Diary Entries.

Dear Diary,

Sometimes, i wonder if my trauma runs too deep, whether i will truly ever feel better than ok. I am trying, trying so hard to heal, but that hurt, that fear is never far away. It’s always lurking behind the scenes, waiting for a moment of vulnerability for doubt to take hold. I am tired, not tired of living but of surviving. I’m tired of feeling everything is an effort, tired of feeling like i am not good enough.

I think about whether anyone fully heals for decades of trauma. It’s a part of me, but i know it’s not who i am. Just like a wound that never fully heals. What am i scared of? What is that fear haunting me?

Today, i had plans to write. Well, i am writing, but not what i intended. I know i need to stop being so hard on myself when my mood dips and the fear increases, but it’s not easy to be kind. It’s crazy because i know i would never say to anyone the words i beat myself with.

The voices of the demons are louder than my own. The person i see in the mirror i do not recognise, it shows me as ugly, unlovable, and worthless. A me that knows nothing but hurt and betrayal.

I feel that if i cry, i will never stop, so I down hold the pain and swallow it whole. Trying to get through the day as best i can. Tonight, hopefully, sleep will come if only for a while so i can escape the hopelessness and maybe find a brief glimmer of peace.