11 Years Written by Strangers: The Beginning

I Will Never Rose Tint My Story For Then It Becomes A Tale.

Finding Susan

Hospital Visit

27th may 1968

This is the first report from my foster care records, written by Davies the social worker after she had visited the hospital and spoke to the maternity social worker who said my mother, ‘Was very uncommunicative and had refused to have anything to do with the baby, getting very upset and threatening to walk out the hospital’. She then went on to speak to a staff nurse who confirmed, ‘my mother had fed me once, had been very upset and since had completely rejected baby, refusing to feed or see the child’.

Davies notes ‘Baby healthy and birth weight was 9.lbs 13.oz, Girl, and has no name at present and is taking feeds well and normal delivery’. She then went to see me as the ward sister had said there was a possibility that the child could be a half-caste child. She writes, ‘Baby darkish skin, dark hair and eyes, flatish squashed nose, may well be half-caste but very difficult to tell as apparently after birth they are fairly light, getting darker by about 3 months.

My Thoughts

So, my mother allegedly rejected me at birth which I am unsure I fully believe as I have spoken to her and she said, ‘They wouldn’t let her hold or feed me’. My mother to this day is angry and traumatised over what happened with me, and I suspect she carries a lot of guilt.  Although it hurt to read, I understand as she was suffering from severe depression and was under psychiatric care. She’d been away from her family for months, and had given birth to a child which she didn’t know whether it was her husbands or not. She had wanted to breast feed she told me, but nurses would not allow it due to the medication she was on. Also, she was being told to give up her baby even though she would not have had the capacity to understand nor consent to me being put up for adoption.  I can imagine the whole situation was confusing and stressful for her as mental health services back in the sixties would not have been as caring nor sympathetic as it is today toward my mum’s situation. Social services were not supportive either as in an adoption report my mum said, ‘She felt undue pressure was being put on her at the time when she was unwell,’ in relation to her giving me up.

My birth weight was 9.lb 13.oz, I was a big baby as were my own children and my grand babies from my daughter.  There is nothing else about my birth, such as what time I was born and I have no photo which there should have been one in my records, I was quite sad that there wasn’t, as i have no photos of me before the age of eighteen months. I hadn’t been named at this point although my mother said she named me Susan, there is nothing in the records to say who did name me if she didn’t. Reading that brought about a sadness for baby me. nameless and alone in the world. 

It goes on to says, feeding well and was a normal delivery. The social worker says that she went to see me since the ward sister had said there was a possibility, I was a half caste child. The description of me a as flat squashed nosed, darkish skinned half-caste baby is just astounding like I was a freak. Reading between the lines i was going to be a problem for social services to place. In the 60’s there were very few people of colour to foster or adopt so I they would have had to find a white family willing to take on a child like me. With the racist attitudes in the UK at that time plus add in the fact my mother was Irish I would have been a hard-to-place child. The language used to describe a week-old baby angered me so much and no compassion nor empathy for me nor my mother.

I know that was the terminology used back then, but it is still hurtful, and my heart breaks for that baby girl. I am also aware that social workers, as today were overworked and had large caseloads, and I was one of thousands of foster children. But can you imagine reading official documents about your younger self or your own children described in such a way. I always recall from my university days being told to be mindful of what you documented in your notes because one day, that patient or a family member may read them. For me, if you go into a caring profession, which social work it is because you care about the welfare of either children or adults. For me, as a nurse, my patients were my family because I cared about them in the way i would want myself or my family to be treated. There are numerous skills needed to be a social worker with empathy being one of them, but this is lacking within my notes. Then, there is an ethical code and practice, which is almost non existent with my care as nothing was done in my best interests.

Thank you for reading

Finding Susan

Next, 11 Years Written by Strangers: Soon-to-Be Foster Parents. https://findingsusanwrites.com/?p=188